Thursday, 2 June 2016

The punishment of every disordered mind is its own disorder

I've been thinking and I have a confession to make.

You see, since I can remember, I wanted too many things at once. My mind is always scattered all over the place. And a consequence? I can't really stay in one place for a long time.

To paraphrase famous words: "The punishment of my disordered mind is my own disorder."


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I began this journey as a way to cope. With stress, everyday life and my fears of changing. It was an experiment. Can I write? If so, can I write well enough for someone to read my ranting?

I can't say I have answers to all these questions. But... I think I know where to go from here. The experiment is over. Did it serve its purpose? Yes...

You see, this blog has almost everything that comes to my mind. And all those topics are just too much for one page. Mental health, fairy tales, transgender...

I'd love to split this up. Most likely into 2 separate blogs- one for tales and one to look more professional, with completely separate topics. In addition, I plan on making a youtube channel for transgender related things. Something simple and cute. I already have a vision in my mind about all the details, designs and content. But first,

A girl has to learn what it means to be one

A girl has to find out who she is first

A girl has to wake up from her long sleep

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You know, transgender shit and all. You got the point. Message received.

After that I'd like to start with videos. Transgender topic. Everything that deserves more attention will end up on my friend's blog. Hopefully.

Those 2 blogs I will create will be hosted on a custom domain, as I'd love to make them more professional. The first one will keep the name Sidney's Fantasma, with some stories I wrote or am going to write. Mysterion and fantasy. That's it. Words and pictures.

The second one will be focused on my experience in the UK. I don't want to specify yet, but it will be more on my "serious" side.

I know blogging can be free, but I will have to invest. At least a little money- buy custom domains, a camera, one for photography and one for making videos, microphone... Maybe some other things as well. You see, I really need to find a proper job. If everything goes well, I'll be living in the UK next month.

All this advice

I spent an insufferable amount of time reading everything about blogging- all those tips about how to find your niche, how to write, how to get your audience, how to monetise your business. But here's the most important thing I learnt so far: People learn on their experience only. If someone tells you blogging every day is not good, but you blog anyway, thinking you'll get a lot of attention fast, you need to learn your lesson first. As I did. Every single day. A new post. I sweat and cringed and went almost crazy from expectations. But you know what? It's not worth it. Not at all.

In this process I almost forgot why I started blogging. I started to finally find myself. To know who I am and what I want. I didn't start to be well-known or to become rich. And that was my mistake. Not anymore!

So from this day forward, I'm going to publish 2 posts a week, max. If I am in a good mood, I might even add some guest post, but I don't want to promise anything. Quality over quantity, always.

That's about it, folks. I'm sorry if I didn't meet your expectations and failed you. But let's hope it's for the better, not for worse.
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Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Dogs at the wheel? No problem in the UK

Can dogs drive? I honestly don't know. According to some videos out there they do. Of course, these are just some funny videos but imagine seeing something like that in person, in the middle of the day and traffic just outside of your house! Impossible? Not at all!


I almost died of a heart attack seeing a dog on the side of a driver, in a moving car. But let me explain first. It was a rainy day. At that time I was a fresh stud in the UK, who just moved to his first student housing. I thought I'm prepared for everything (or almost everything) that this wonderful country can throw at me. That's why we spent so much time preparing for a "cultural shock" from visiting english speaking country at school. I thought I know everything there is to know about english traditions, habits and style of living. Nothing could throw me off. Right?

On the second day after my arrival I had to go shopping. Nothing extraordinary, Lidl (the brand on our domestic market as well) was just around the corner, so I put a smile on my face and a bag in my hand and went on a short trip. I felt really confident and happy because I was doing so well adulting and settling in. I felt proud as I paid for the stuff. Everything went well and I was walking back home.

There was just one more crossing in front of me before my destination when suddenly- there was a dog in a moving car, right in front of me, right where a driver was supposed to be! For solid 5 seconds or maybe even more, I thought I'm getting mad. Is this real?

The dog looked relaxed and had this serious face, like a driver that's pissed off at someone who is blocking the road. Someone like me. Finally, I gathered all my courage and bits of common sense and I looked slightly to the left. And guess what I saw- a human, on a passenger seat!

Teachers can tell you there are countries driving in the left line. They can teach you how to avoid a cultural shock. But at that moment, I was truly amazed and shocked by this dog's ability to drive. Of course, people in the UK drive on the other side. There was a driver- and it was some older lady laughing at me for staying in the middle of the road. That's how I knew I wasn't the first foreigner she experienced. Honestly, she laughed and then laughed even more. And before she got away, she waved at me, still laughing at my stupidity. I probably made her day :D
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Monday, 30 May 2016

I identify as an Attack Helicopter!



Dear readers,

I'm writing today's post as a response to one particular 9gag entry that pretty much sums up how many people feel about the novelty of gender and sex and everything around this topic.

Here's the post


The post is titled "If I had a dollar for every gender that's real", with a picture of 2 one dollar bills. Like this:


Of course, that implies there are only 2 genders and there is nothing in between "man and woman". Either you are a man, or a woman. There is no room for anything else. But this concept also implies, though indirectly, that there are just 2 possibilities- either a manly man, or a girly girl. And that's when things get confusing and people get confused as well.

That's why we came up with terms "gender" and "sex"


You know, so people could be something else than overly manly man, or overly girly girls. Sex indeed contains just those 2 one dollar bills (excluding rare cases), but gender is a concept much more complicated than that. Let me break it down for you- if sex is represented by 2 bills, gender would have to be portrayed as just one bill. Something like this:

Now, to be more specific, there are still 2 sides of the bill- left and right, male and female. Those are absolute opposites and everything that is in between those 2 counts as a valid gender identity. It doesn't matter if you are a prototype of a perfect, masculine man with an axe on his shoulder and that sweaty odour or a girl who likes to wear pink and loves wearing flowers in her hair. It's all fine. Really, it's cool. Because you are still on the spectrum of that one dollar bill.


Special snowflakes


Of course, images used here are just for an illustration and there are no limits whatsoever for combinations of identities. This includes transgender people, gender-fluid or whatever else identities people feel comfortable with, on a spectrum of gender. Problems arise only after a few "special snowflakes" decide to come up with their "trans" identities. I can pretty much give you an example of those and I hope nobody's going to kill me for it in my sleep.

52 years old man identifies as a 6 years old girl

These news are not so "new", but serve as a good example here. This man knows he's 52, but he decided to live his life as a 6 year old, forcing his family and his 7 children to abandon him (yes, forcing, you can't be a father and a 6 year old at the same time).

Now, under the name of Stefonknee, she decided to live her life with her new family as a child. That's brilliant. At least if you think about all the publicity and fame she's getting. You can check the video if you like, before moving to our next special snowflake.


Woman identifies as a cat

Why should you stop at being transgender, when you can be....wait-for-it... TRANS fucking SPECIES. She meows, <s>uses litter box, eats cat food, fights with other cats </s>... Wait, she doesn't? How convenient! Here's a link if you want to know more.

Why you can't be an attack helicopter, cat, dragon or an adult-6 year old?


While transgender people are getting more and more acceptance worldwide, these special snowflakes are a part of the reason why some choose to be ignorant. Do I blame them? Of course not! Take for example my folks- in this god forsaken country the only time they heard about transgender person was on the national news. The report was about Stefonknee (who else), our transgender woman who identifies as a 6 year old girl.

They laughed. And then they laughed even more, with a notion of slight disgust as they banished all transgender people to hell, where all wicked like Stefonknee belong. That's probably because they never got any chance to know any transgender person before (half a year ago). They were, simply put, in front of a ridiculous situation. The reaction was appropriate.

Now I finally understand why people mock transgender folks and joke about their identity being an attack helicopter or a tree or whatever. Thanks to our special snowflakes, of course! Don't get me wrong, people who choose to be close minded are still ignorant, but what do we expect from them, if their first contact with our transgender world is through people who only seek attention?

Transgender woman identifies as a dragon


These people are not a part of transgender agenda, at least not for their motivation to become something completely different. Being a fantasy creature is just mental. Yes, there. I said it! Am I a biggot now?


If you take away gender identity from all transgender people, they are just...people! If you take gender identity from all normal people, guess what- people, again! In other words, whatevee our identity, it's still on the scale. If you take away shifting gender identities of people I mentioned, you end up with 52 year old human who thinks he is a 6 year old, a cat and a dragon. At this point it doesn't really matter if it's a male or a female identity. It's still fucking mental- much much more than any transgender human being is. I think these special snowflakes should be treatied for a mental disorder. To be more speciffic, not for transgender mental disorder, but for some other, much more severe dellusion. That's also a reason why you can't be a helicopter, a tree, a bomb...

On the other hand, news and media (and some people who want to be accepting) try to praise them for their courage and life style. Thank god I'm not one of those people!

So why should I care? Why do I even bother making this post? The reason is simple: I had a recent experience with someone asking me about one of those special snowflakes. "Are you one of those guys?" Is the person asking me ignorant? Yes. But in their defense, the only transgender example they ever encountered was a twisted picture of a reality on the news. That means I'm automatically tossed into the same drawer with cats, dragons and others.

In the meantime, nobody cares about people who are shinning examples of what being transgender really means.

Transgender. What does it mean?


That's why in this case I can't be the one who "Lives and lets live". I'm sorry.







Not really.   
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Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Sir Patrick Stewart as a role model? My childhood dreams

Dear reader,

Today I'm going to share with you my childhood dreams and aspirations for being an adult. Back in the day, when I was just a little kiddo and there was no internet or facebook, the only way to let your fantasies out was to daydream. There was a TV too- during the 90's there were countless shows based on fantastic premises. Just to name few, we were growing up watching Hercules, Xena, Babylon 5, Red Dwarf... All those series' classics that are now considered to be a ground for contemporary sci-fi entertainment.

But there was one show I really adored and could watch every day- it was Star Trek. You know, the one with Sir Patrick Stewart in it as captain Picard. I loved absolutely everything about it and often fantasized to be in that world, aboard a starship, going where no man has ever gone before. Now that I'm looking back to all those years, I understand why I was so caught up in the whole idea of that future.

I had someone to look up to in this fantastic world of main.

While other kids picked their role models according to totally different set of criteria- Hercules and Xena for being strong, singers for being "in", their mom and dad and others, I was stuck with captain Picard. At that time I didn't really care who plays that guy in a red starfleet suit. I simply thought there is captain Picard somewhere out there- perhaps a military commander, asked to play a role in Star Trek.


I absolutely adored everything about his character. He was, even under the deadliest threat, ready to solve any problem he encountered with his charm and a coup of earl grey, hot. Yet, he never hesitated to provide a friendly advice for his crew, or a helping hand to those who accepted it. He represented everything whole Star Trek stood for, at least for a child's imagination. This was a promise that one day, humanity will be able to travel to stars and back. And not only that, captain Picard represented an ideal- a future man, who's able to look beyond his ego and substitutes confrontation with a friendship.

After this experience it was no surprise I dreamt about this ideal world. When my parents asked me what I want to be when I grow up, I replied with simple "I want to be a captain".

"A captain of what, honey?" On which I replied: "Of a starship, of course!"

"But honey, you can't be a captain of a starship, you have to build one first."

That's how my childhood dream came to life- to build a starship, similar to Enterprise in Star Trek and become its captain! I wanted to go where no man has gone before, to that last frontier of a man- Universe. I even got my grandpa promised that he would help me building it. I had it all planned out- as far as a child's imagination could go. There were 2 facts I knew about the universe back then:

1. There is no air

2. There is no food

I resolved the first problem quite easily. For every member of a crew aboard, there would be one tree planted, providing enough air, together providing enough air for an infinite amount of time. In my plans, there was a whole deck with that purpose- with all kinds of trees, plants and vegetables. And that was also my solution to a second problem- all those plants and trees should provide not only the air, but also enough food to feed everybody. I knew there were no replicators in the world, but I was still surprised- how come no one has ever thought about this before? Why are  there no starships yet, when a solution to 2 most basic questions is so simple!

Picture taken from Flickr.com, by Jane Dickson under Creative Commons licence 2.0

As I grew up, I slowly realised that there are more issues to be resolved and that most likely, I'll never be a captain of a starship. Goodbye captain Picard! I also had many opportunities to learn more about my favourite captain and actor behind this role. I learned that I don't have to be the captain of a starship to favour friendliness above conflict; I don't have to roam among stars to explore new things and push my frontiers. That's how Sir Patrick Stewart trully became my role model- I learnt about his childhood and why his role in Star Trek was so important to him. I learnt about his activities to promote awareness for victims of violence. I learnt that an actor performing as my most adored captain, is the closest human being to this character I know in this world.

Sir Patrick Stewart, thank you for shaping my dreams and hopes from an early childhood!

Picture taken from Flickr.com, byDavid Shankbone under Creative Commons licence 2.0

*Don't forget to share your childhood's role models in comments down below!
*What was your big childhood dream?
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Sunday, 15 May 2016

7 simple tricks to help fight with gender dysphoria (for people not ready to come out yet)

Transgender people know how hard it is to live vith gender dysphoria, especially, when you are not ready to come out yet. Gender dysphoria can be pretty tolerable on some days while on another, you feel like you can’t hold it anymore and your life is falling apart. If there just was something that could help ease the pain and make you forget what you`re going through just for a second!
If you have days like these, this post is just for you with 7 simple tricks to help ease your gender dysphoria.

Pixabay.com

Train your voice

As banal as it might seem, voice is a big part of who we are and how we represent ourselves. Just knowing that you can train your voice to sound higher/lower is a great help to ease up your struggle. Start by watching videos or listen to recordings of a voice you'd like to have. Try to imitate it and imagine you are that person speaking. If you know how to sing, pick your favourite artist and try to emulate their voice- for mtf pick the one with the lowest singing voice possible, so it`s reachable for your chords. For ftm, pick the one with unusual high pitch voice and gradually lower it down. It takes a lot of practice, but with some time and help of countless videos on youtube, you`ll manage! Just don`t forget to make sure you are all alone and no one can hear you practicing!

Train body gestures and posture

This is another incremental part of being one's preferred gender- learn to walk like a girl, or like a man. Learn how to make gestures typical for your specified gender, mimic their appearance. The hardest part of mimicking is making it look all natural and automatic. It takes a lot of practice but in the end, it`s well worth it.

Adjust your appearance

Cut your hair or let it grow. Don`t let anyone tell you that you look stupid, because you don`t. Hit the gym for that muscular figure you dream of, or start jogging to look more athletic. Grow your fingernails or cut them.

Wear accessories

Accessories are a great way to help you feel more comfortable. Wristwatch, necklaces, scarfs- all that can help to remind you of who you truly are on the inside when the dysphoria strikes again. You can even wear some unisex clothes, if you feel up to it. Its only up to you how much you want to reveal.

Look in the mirror

What would you look like if you were your preferred gender? Look in the mirror and imagine what would you look like. Is there any part of you that already looks like it doesn’t need any improvement? Look closely- your lips, eyebrows, cheekbones, hands. Try to focus on the part of your body that comes closest to your preferred gender and imagine the rest of you changes with it.

Let it all out

Wait for the moment when you are all alone and let it all out. If you are sure that no one hears you, you can even scream out that you are a girl or a boy. Or you can always use a pillow and scream into it.

Find other people like you

Sometimes all it takes to feel better is to chat with someone who went through similar struggle. Find a forum on the web, watch videos, join facebook groups and let people in them help you. You don’t have to go through all of this alone. A great place to start is at Susan's place. This website is a forum for everyone struggling with their gender identity, covering topics from coming out to sex reassignment surgery.

Remember, if feelings you have are still unbearable , it's for the best to turn to a discreet specialist. Don't let gender dysphoria consume you!
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